First, let me say a huge THANK YOU for all of the prayers. Dad was able to come home Sunday and has been taking it easy this week so he can recover.
I haven’t really been able to find the words to say lately. There has been a lot of raw emotion surrounding everything. A lot of anger and frustration at errors made, and a lot of sadness about the whole ordeal. There are some parts that I just didn’t want to share with the world, and I think that’s okay.
But lately I feel the need to focus on the good about this situation. It’s just too exhausting to hold such anger and sadness. And, there are good things that have come about these recent trials, believe it or not. However, I wasn’t able to see the good, to recognize it, if I did not first understand the hard stuff too.
When BA first was diagnosed I was so angry. I couldn’t understand why God would let this happen to our family, to my daddy. Yes, I was hurt. I felt so alone. And I refused to believe that any goodness could come about from something so awful. The first Sunday after dad’s diagnosis, the Relief Society lesson was on “Finding Joy in Trials”. I left early. I thought, “How did God expect me to find joy in this? Why can’t our family just catch a break? ” A lot of angry tears were shed. I think Heavenly Father understands that though. I did blame Him, and for that I needed to find forgiveness. But I don’t regret those feelings, and I believe that He understands that it is normal to feel that way. After all, as Elder Holland said, “When life is hard, remember – we are not the first to ask, ‘Is there no other way?'”
I feel differently today. There are times I still feel anger about some of the mistakes that were made, but mostly I’m glad that I still have my daddy here. I’m grateful that BA is willing to submit himself to painful treatment, so that he can be here with us – a continual example of selfless love. And my momma is the strongest person I’ve ever known. She has had to bear many sorrows and trials, sometimes alone, but not now. My parents have been able to come together as a team like never before. It is a beautiful think to watch and be a part of.
I have changed too. My heart has changed. And now, I get it. And I know I’m not alone. WE are not alone. We have all of you, and some heavenly hosts who carry us along. We truly are One Team, One Fight.