Young. Female. Deficient.

Today I feel beaten down.

I feel tired and mad and sad all at once.

I feel a sense of injustice and a sense of betrayal.

I feel unequal and used.

I feel cheated by the system and confused by my womanhood.  Confused because I have always thought that it was a thing to be celebrated.  But not today.  Today I am frustrated with my womanhood and the archaic notions that people in the workplace have about women.

I am a capable and innovative leader.  As the head of my department at work, I have made many changes that have helped our company both save money while increasing efficiency and overall success.  I know that I’m good at what I do.  But this person that I am at work, this strong capable person, is constantly beaten and torn down by the comments and backlash I receive for making the same decisions that any other man has.  However, I am not viewed as a leader.  No, I am viewed as being bossy.  I am not viewed as assertive, I am viewed as pushy.  I am not viewed as being efficient, I am viewed as being unfriendly.

I am exhausted by the extra emotional effort I have to put in to sugar-coating everything that I do in order to be taken seriously and not be viewed as a horrible woman.  It is wrong.  And in addition, I should not have to deal with comments about my weight or about my appearance (“If you gave some of your weight to So-And-So, you’d both be the perfect size!) and (“Wow, you look tired today”).  Too often my ability is judged based on how much makeup I put on that day and how many smiles I hand out to my coworkers, not on how well I am actually able to do my job.

So, today, I am tired and feeling betrayed by my womanhood.  I’ll get over it, these circumstances as they are, and hopefully be all the more strong for it.

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